CAROUSEL

a collection of poetry, ART & Photos 

"Dedicated to the ones I love, thought I love, tried to love.. "  Keith Taylor

RED

 

What is this?

What is this shinny black container?

Filled with bright red

How come it’s so pretty and why am I so drawn to this?

Is it ok

Is it ok to put it on?

I guess I can since momma is gone

My butt would be blue if she caught me with this on

But I really think I look pretty in red 

THE GOOD SON

 

Brian just wanted to be the good son

But you let him be abused

And it made him feel so confused

He didn’t know what he did wrong

That’s why he hides & stays alone

 

Even though Brian still wanted you

You pushed him away

Because he looked like his dad

He tried so hard to impress you

But he never could

Because his face would stay the same

And your pain that his father caused would remain

 

Brian only wanted to be the good son

And love you unconditionally

Even though you did not want him around

He wanted to make you happy

Even though he wasn’t

Brian only wanted to be the good son

And bring you flowers everyday

But you trashed everyone he admired

And made him feel so ugly deep inside

 

He wanted to take your sadness away

And make so you proud of him

But most of all

He wanted you to love me

I guess

I guess I wanted to be the good son

TIPTOE TIPTOE

 

Tip toe, tip toe

Turn out the lights

Tip toe, tip toe

Sneak around your bed

Tip toe, tip toe

Don’t you dare try to scream

Tip toe tip toe

Don’t even try to fight

Tip toe, tip toe

Get down on your knees

Tip toe, tip toe

You will get ice creamed

Tip toe, tip toe

Sleep tight

Tip toe, tip toe, tip toe

PLAYGROUND

 

This is were the sky is blue

This is were it never rains

This is were I can run to

So I wont feel any pain

You won’t see my fears and you won’t see any tears

I feel free just like the birds & the bees

Because no one holds me down  

This is my shelter from the monsters  

In this world

I choose who comes around and what goes around because this is

my playground

PLAYING WITH THE GIRLS

 

Pretty is girl

Beauty is a girl

Lovely is a girl

Sexy is a girl

Pussy is a girl

Slut is a girl

Bitch is girl

Whore is girl

Madam is a girl

Sister is a girl

Mother is a girl

Eve is a girl

What a different world

Why can’t I be a girl instead of playing with the girls?

FRISKY

You were my best friend

We walked so many miles together

You protected me when I was near danger

You always put a smile on my face

When I was under the weather and

I made sure your house had no leaks

When it rained cats & dogs

We had so much fun running thru the fields on sunny summer days

Rolling down a snowy hill on cold winter nights

But somewhere down this journey

I failed

I never came back to you

I never came back to rescue you from the danger

I prayed to GOD to forgive me but I was just a kid

I had no control and it hurts me so much to think of the last time

I saw you

Running as fast as you could to be with us

As we drove off down the dirt road

I have never once let my memories of you fade away &

If I only had one wish I would wish I could use my tears to bring you back home

I will always remember you Frisky

KIDS PLAY

I love my brothers in a way

Ill love no other

But you know how kids play

One broke me while the other choked me

It was like a roller coaster ride or maybe like a virgin bride

But all I know is I’ll never be the same especially after I came

That’s why I love my brothers in a way

Ill love no other but you know how kids play

Don’t waste it

Put it in deep

Taste it

It’s for you to keep

The experiment that led me to my sexual preference

That’s why I love my brothers in a way

Ill love no other

But you see this is how kids play

SCREAMS

 

Sometimes I feel like a puppy tied to a tree

Barking until someone sets me free

I live in fear because of his violence

No one can hear because my screams are silent

Sometimes I feel like a flower being crushed by his power

No one can help because these scars don’t disappear

Does he hurt me because I’m queer?  

You see my screams

Will always be silent

because there will always be my dad’s violence inside of me

AUNT GLADYS

MY FIRST SIGHT OF YOU

WAS AT THE TOWN PARK

FOR A FAMILY AFFAIR

SO MANY PEOPLE AVOIDED YOU

AND I WONDER WHY?

WHY ARE THEY TREATING YOU LIKE A TOTAL STRANGER?

I GUESS YOU ARE THE BLACK SHEEP AUNT GLADYS

BUT YOU CAN’T BE AS BAD AS THEY PAINT YOU OUT TO BE

WHEN YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO LET ME BE ME

YOU MAY DRINK A LOT

HAVE TOO MANY LOVERS

BUT AT LEAST YOU LIVED

AND NEVER LET NO ONE TELL YOU HOW

YOU LOVED PUTTING ON YOUR RED LIPSTICK

& WALKING OUT THE DOOR IN YOUR BLACK HIGH HEELS

TO THE NEXT PARTY

YOU FOUGHT ALL THE TIME WITH THE MEN

WHO WANTED TO STAY WITH YOU FOR MORE THAN ONE NIGHT

AUNT GLADYS WERE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED

OR WERE YOU JUST AFRAID OF BEING LOVED?

BEER BOTTLES FLEW, FURNITURE MOVED

THE POLICE WERE CALLED IN

AND I WOULD HEAR YOU SAY “WHO’S NEXT TONIGHT?”

AUNT GLADYS

YOU WERE WILD AT HEART

& YOU WERE NEVER A LADY

BUT YOU WERE THE ONLY RELATIVE

WHO OPENED YOUR HOME UP TO ME

WHEN THE NIGHT WOULD FALL & MY OWN BLOOD

WOULD TELL ME TO LEAVE

BECAUSE THEY THINK I’M STRANGE

AUNT GLADYS

YOU CAN’T BE AS BAD AS THEY PAINT YOU OUT TO BE

WHEN YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO ACCEPTED ME…  

Dear Father,

There were days when I thought you had changed

But you just stayed in your old ways

Now I’m older & wiser

I’m cutting my ties

I never thought that I could do what you've done to me to another

Now here I am being exactly who I want to be

You could have been the dad that made me the brave one 

But instead I lived in fear for many years  

Not knowing if I would be exactly like you

So I’m going to just leave you behind  

Never want to hear from you again

As long as I live because I’m the man you can never be

I walked alone I've cried alone

I just wished that you were there to guide me

But you just pushed me away so what else can I do

Except go my own way

You will never hear from me again

As long as I breathe because I’m the one you never wanted

But I learned how to love myself & how to give love

Without you in my life

I learned how to survive and how to stay tough on my own

Without you by my side

And without you as my dad

CUSTOMIZED

 

I was not an Indian boy

Only an outcast trying to blend in

I am not traditional

But you make me feel like I wore white

Who cares if I’m not from your tribe?

But before you shun me from your world

You need to open your small minds

I was never an Indian boy

You made me wish I were a white boy

I was never a white boy but you made me feel like a black boy

I never tried to fit in

I never tried to be anyone 

I just wanted to be me

I was never a white boy

Only a poor boy trying to be in the in crowd

I am not from your wealthy family

But you made me act if I were

So who gives a shit about your big houses & fancy cars?

Before you laugh at the holes in my clothes

You need to walk a mile in my shoes

And know I have a rich soul

I was never your Indian boy

But you made me feel like a number

I was never your white boy

But you made me feel like a color

I never did try to fit in

I never did disguise who I was

I just know that I am not customized

To fit into your society

Crucified

 

Every time I hear their words it cuts me like knife

But they don’t know

That I did not choose this life

All the time I wonder why

Why are they treating me this way?

I guess this is what I must endure to be me

They keep saying I was not born this way and that I can change

Like a caterpillar changes into a butterfly

But only GOD knows why I am gay

And not until judgment day I will know why

But for them it’s already judgment day

IN THIS TOWN

In this town

I have found no happiness

No love

No understanding

As the days go by

I say to myself

How long can I stand the pain?

How much more can I take from this town

In this town

I have found bigotry

Ignorance

Isolation

As the days and months go by

I say to myself

How long can I stand the pain?

How much more can I take from this town before I’m six feet under ground

In this town

I have learned how to hate

I have learned how to lie

But most of all I have learned how to survive

FLIRT

You don’t seem to know no, no, no

Because I ended up being torn apart by what you called love

You didn’t even care to see me scrawling all over the floor

Trying to reach for the door knob

To get you out

You weren’t ashamed of what you did to me

You just left me there and walked away with nothing to say

When you were done

Leaving me there on the floor to bleed

With your seed slowly flowing out of me

When I finally gained conscious

I felt like I was in hell and I knew there was no to tell

Because you knew how to make me feel

Like I deserved it for being a drunken flirt

THE SCORE

 

TODAY

I GOT THE BALLS TO STAND UP TO YOU ALL

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE MENTAL PHYSICAL ABUSE

BANG, BANG, BANG

TIME TO SURVIVE

TIME TO HEAL

TIME TO DIE

TIME TO GET REVENGE

I BET YOU SPOILED BRATZ

DID’NT SEE THIS ONE COMING

TODAY I’M BACK TO SETTLE THE SCORE

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO BULLIED ME

WILL FINALLY FEEL HOW YOU MADE ME

SO SCARED & TRUAMATIZED THRU THE YEARS

THAT I FINALLY DROPPED OUT

BUT I’M BACK WITH A VENGANCE

I GOT A SHOT GUN

WITH EXTRA BULLETS

I GOT A YEARBOOK

WITH NAMES AND FACES OF THE PUNKS

WHO WILL DIE TODAY AND BE STUFFED IN MY TRUNK

BANG, BANG, BANG

IT’S TIME TO HEAL

TIME TO KILL

IT’S TIME TO FEEL

IT’S TIME FOR ME TO GET MY FUCKIN TRILLS

SO GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY

THAT YOU DON’T SHIT YOUR PANTS

WHEN I BLOW YOUR BRAINS ACROSS THE GYM FLOOR

SO COME OUT JOCKS & PREPS WHEREVER YOU ARE

AND SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR RICH ADVANTAGE LIVES

NOW SEE IF YOU CAN CHEER REAL LOUD WITH THIS SMOKIN BARREL

SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT

BANG, BANG, BANG

TIME TO HEAL

TIME TO DIE

TIME TO KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

LOSERS, POOR KIDS, LOANERS & OUCASTS

GET BEHIND ME

WERE NOT GONNA TAKE ANYMORE SHIT

FROM THE TEACHERS WHO ARE THE STUDENTS PETS

NO MORE BEING AFRAID OF COMING TO SCHOOL

NO MORE BEING ASHAME OF WHO YOU ARE

BANG, BANG, BANG

LET’S HEAL

LET’S KILL

LET’S GET R FUCKIN THRILLS

IT’S ABOUT TIME WE SETTLE THE SCORE!

GONE

 

DOWN THE ROAD I WENT

NO ONE TO STOP ME

NO ONE TO PROTECT ME

NO ONE TO SAY GOODBYE

DOWN THE STREET I WENT

AS THE CARS GO BY

THE SUN SETS

THE MOON RISES ABOVE MY HEAD

AS I PAST THE NEXT SIGN

DOWN THE HIGHWAY I WENT

I PRAYED TO JESUS CHRIST

KEEP ME SAFE

KEEP ME WARM

KEEP ME STRONG

DOWN THE STREET I WENT

WITH MY THUMB UP IN THE AIR

WITH MY PAST LEFT BEHIND AND MY DREAMS INSIDE ME

DOWN THE ROAD I WENT

I CAN’T TURN BACK

I CAN’T GO BACK

I HAVE NO HOME

I HAVE NO HOME TO GO BACK TO

SO DOWN THE ROAD I GO

DOWN TO THE STREET I WENT

AND DOWN TO THE HIGHWAY…

I’M GONE

NEW YORK

 

I made it through the danger zone

With a lot of determination, I made it this far

I came from nowhere

Just to see the bright lights up in the sky

The city streets can be so hard

I’ve seen people come & people go

But I keep holding on with a prayer

Hoping that one day

I’ll be an overnight sensation

 

Big city

Look what you’ve done to me

New York

What will become of me?

Big city

Look what you made of me

New York

You make me feel like

I can make it anywhere!

 

I've been up & down

On this roller coaster ride over and over

But I've manage to hang in there

With my pride

Knowing that strangers’ words

Could cut me like a knife

But I've kept my head up so high in the sky

That I felt like a shooting star…

 

Big city

Look what you’ve done to me

New York

What will become of me?

Big city

U made me strong

New York

Look what you gave to me

Big city

U make me feel like I finally belong

New York, I love U!

THE BEAT

 

I have been trying to survive this whole week

And now it’s Friday

Don’t even ask me to stay late

Because I’m punching out

Time for me to go out tonight and play

Thru the doors I go & out on to the dance floor

If the dj plays my favorite song and if the bass is bumping

I’ll start jumping for more, more, more

And I’ll go on & on

So baby watch me spin out of control

While you keep on patrolling the dance floor

I’ll just keep on moving to the beat

Grooving to the beat

Flowing to the beat

 

I have only just begun and the night is still young

So party poopers wake the F up!

And get on the dance floor

Just let the music put you into a trance

Making you holler for more, more, more

So honey let your failures go & burn up the dance floor

Tonight everybody’s moving to the beat

Shaking to the beat

Just grooving to the beat

 

Happiness is what you need & that’s what you’ll get

When you let your bodies spin out of control

Then all your sadness will fly out the window

So get up of your ass and dance, dance, dance

Tonight were all gonna move, were all gonna groove

Were all going to party this night away

So get up and dance!!!

DEVIL’S RIDE

On any given day, I would take my chances on you

So tonight my heart will ask for this dance 

Somewhere down the road

I left my heart wide open

So look at me now

You got me all shook up

And ready to fall

I fell for this guy

He’s not very kind

he’ll never be mine but I’ll go down on his ride

Just to be by his side

Because I have fallen for the devil

 

Some say there’s a price I’ll pay

But I’ll take whatever comes my way

It’s so hard not to enjoy what you’re doing to me

Somewhere down the line

I left my heart wide open to you

So look at me now

You got me all messed up and ready to crawl

I fell for this guy

He’s not very kind

he’ll never be mine but I’ll go down on his ride at any given time

Because I’m in love

In love with the devil

THE MOTHERS

 

As an adolescent

I was left to my own devices

Never knew who to call on

But you came to me

You rescued me

You educated me

You molded me

You guided me

You believed in me

You became the mother

That I've been longing for

 

On the city streets

I was just a shy skinny teen

Never knew I was a beauty

And that I could shine bright like diamond

But you came to me

You hustled me

You tricked me

You smarted me

You built me

You became the gay mother that I needed

To survive this kind of lifestyle

 

Thru out this circus

I’ve felt like I was all by my self

And no one understood me

But you came to me

Thru your sound & vision

You inspired me

You encouraged me

You have pushed me to go the extra mile

You became my mother

That I've been dreaming of...

JOY BOY

I’m a boy who gets paid

When I get laid

Some people may think im trash

But who knows their dads & uncles maybe having a bash

Joy boy

I’ll be whoever you want me to be

Joy boy

I can assure I’m no tease

Joy boy

How about you coming and spend some time with me

I’m a child who was momma’s boy

And then I became daddy’s toy 

There the ones to blame

And that’s why I have no shame

Joy boy

I’ll be whoever you want me to be

Joy boy

I can assure I’m no tease

Joy boy

How about you come and spend some time with me

I do this so I can survive

And I count my blessings that I’m still alive

Joy boy

I’ll be whoever you want me to be

Joy boy

I can assure I’m no tease

Joy boy

STAR!

 

So this is how the story goes

I was down & out

I know what it’s all about

The cement is where I slept

I know what it’s like to have no cash

And end up selling your ass

Men will buy your soul

For a fuck & throw you out like morning trash

I lied and I stole  

Even though I’ve cried alone

I knew something had to give

 

U got to do what u got to do

And even if you have to beg

You do what you have to do

Even if you have to spread

You got to do what you got to do

Then you move on

 

Haters want to see you crash & burn

Because they’ve got they never earned

They talk the talk but never 2 my face

But that won’t make me erase my past

Because that’s what put me where I’m at 

And unlike the others

I’m not the same

I have no shame

I made a name

 

I did what I had to do

I pushed & I pushed my way up to the top

Now everyone has their egos out

Ready to see me drop

Because I did what I had to do, I do what I have to do

I won’t let haters people bring me down

because I worked 2 hard to get this far

And now I’m the fucking star!          

THE SECRET

 

SECRET

TALKING ABOUT MY SECRET

SECRET

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?

SECRET

WHO ELSE WILL KNOW?

SECRET

HOPE I OUTLIVE THIS SECRET

 

WILD AND LOOSE I WAS

I TELL YA

BUT DON’T FORGET

I WAS YOUNG AND FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN MY MISERABLE BORING LIFE

I’M GOING TO GET ME SOME

SELL IT, CHARGE IT AND GIVE IT OUT FOR FREE

 

SECRET

BAD PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO KNOW

SECRET

I WILL NEVER TELL MY SECRET

TALKING ABOUT THE SECRET

I HAVE TO LIVE WITH

THE SECRET

 

I HAD SO MUCH RAGE IN ME

I CRAVED FOR SO MUCH ATTENTION

THAT I TOOK LOVE IN SO MANY SHAPES & FORMS

TO BREAK ME OUT OF THIS SELF-CONSCIOUS STAGE

I JUST DON’T WANT NOBODY TO KNOW

SECRET

WHAT I’VE DONE TO GET BY

SECRET

TALKING ABOUT MY SECRET

HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I HIDE THE PAST?

SECRET

HOW LONG CAN THIS SECRET LAST?

SECRET

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN MY SECRET?

SHHH

IT’S A SECRET

WONDERLAND

 

I got stuck in wonderland on a hot summer night

The clouds moved slowly in the pink sky and

I could hear the sound of opera playing in the background

So I decided to take the role of a junkie

Little did I realize my immune system was so low but

I didn’t feel ill at all

All I wanted to do was take another pill and dance my life away

As the white snow fell in my head

Time was slipping away

While my faith walked out the door

All I could do was look at the floor

Wondering if I could make a quick score

So I could perform once more

In wonderland I got a standing ovation for the part I played

I didn't want it to end so I took a hit from the microphone

Got so high I couldn't stand,

I could hear the applause from the fans that

Where coming from a hole in the wall & there was millions of feet

Stomping so hard making my body shake hysterically on the stage floor

But then it all stopped

I looked around

Nobody was here except me, except me in a white padded cell

I wonder

Could I still be stuck in wonderland?

VEINS

Your misery runs through my veins

There’s no way to get you out

Even when I scream out loud

You still go to my brain

Making me feel my own rage

Running, rushing through my veins

Traveling down my system like a train

Running, rushing through my veins

Making me feel my own dam pain

 

Your misery runs through my veins

There’s no way of getting tired

Even when I sleep I can’t get unwired

Because you’re still fucking frying my brain

Running, rushing through my veins

Traveling down my system like a train

Running, rushing to my brain

Making me feel like I’m locked in a cage

 

Running, rushing through my veins

Like a out of control burning train

Running rushing to my brain

Making me feel like I'm locked up in a cage

Running rushing through my veins

Making me go fucking insane

DARK

 

I was the biggest loser

I have used my so called powers

To bury my soul for one more person

Dark

Dark

Dark side of me

Did I just say save me?

Or was I just trying to be in control of my own self destruction

Because no one can help me escape these suicidal thoughts

Dark

Dark

Dark side of me

Did you just call me the biggest loser you ever known?

Or were you just being mad at yourself?

Heaven forbid if you use your so called powers to down one more drink

Dark

Dark

Dark side of me

Do you ever wonder if you could ever stay sober?

That you will see the damage that you have done to yourself in the mirror 

Or will I see that little boy still running away from all the pain

Dark

Dark

The dark side of me 

LIKE THEY ALL DO

 

I WAKE

WITH A

BIG BANG

I THINK

I DRANK

TOO MUCH 

LAST NIGHT 

I FORGOT

I BROUGHT

YOU HOME

U START TO LEAVE MY SIGHT

SO I SAY

HEY

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME

WAIT

I USUALLY DON’T BEHAVE THIS WAY

SO STAY

DON’T THROW ME AWAY LIKE THEY ALL DO

LIKE THEY ALL DO

I WAIT

4 THE NIGHT

TO COME

I FIX

A DRINK

I HOPE

THIS WON’T

LEAD TOO

MY BRINK

OF UNHAPPINESS

THEN SUDDENLY

BLACKED OUT

YOU’RE GONE

AND I'M HERE HUNG OVER

ALL ALONE

SO

WAIT

I PROMISE U I'LL CHANGE

STAY

I'M REALLY A GOOD PERSON

SO HEY

SAY YOU'LL STAY & DON’T WALK AWAY

LIKE THEY ALL DO

LIKE THEY ALL DO

LIKE THEY ALL DO

MONSTER

It’s been years since I’ve seen your face

I still feel the feeling of being afraid of you

And I’m still trying to get far away as I can

From the trauma, you installed in me when I was a kid

Visions of you beating my mom

Seeing her with a bloody lip

You would say you were sorry

But father if you loved her

Why did you hurt her so much?

 

I don’t want to turn out like you

I don’t want to be just like my daddy

Beating on the ones I love

Just like my daddy

Telling me he’ll never hurt me again

But just like Dr. Jykle & Mr. Hyde

You would change into that monster

And beat me too

 

You were never like that all the time

But in seconds your face would turn to a boiling red

And all hell would break loose

So, don’t say you’re sorry and that you love me

When you turn into that monster and leave me all bruised

That hurt so much that I’m too scared to tell anyone

Why dad why did you do the things you did to us

That I wish you were dead

 

I don’t want to be just like my daddy

Beating on you

Just like my daddy

Saying I’m sorry and I’ll never do it again

Just like my daddy

Lying to us  

But just like Dr. Jykle & Mr. Hyde

I turned into the monster that I was so terrified of 

Just like my dad

MY INTERVENTION

 

Why am I still standing?

When everything I’ve ever done

Could have been my last mistake

Why are you still with me?

If the answer is because you love me

Then I need to make a change 

In times like these I never knew

How much I have to live for

But as I’ve heard time & time again

One door closes and another one will open

So I must let go of these cravings

And learn how to make it on my own

Can I make alone, can I make it my own

Were all the same

We all make mistakes

And we all play this stupid game

Some show it

Some hide it and some blow it

I have played it too many times

I now have scars

For fighting at the bars & getting into strangers cars

When will I ever learn?

But don’t cry for me

I'll be fine in the morning 

I have lived for another day

If it’s time for me to let go

Then I must never isolate myself

If it's time for me to clean up & check out

Then I must never return

To the mess that I created

Now it's time for me to open the door

And walk away

REMEMBER

Hello love

I miss you so much

I should have changed and now I may never feel your touch

My heart has been bruised it feels like I’ve been punched

I should have rearranged my feelings for you

But I do hope these words get through because dreaming of you

Is all I can do now that you’re gone?

Thinking of you makes me feel blue wondering what I did wrong

 

Goodbye love

As I walk from your door I started to cry and my tears ran to the floor  

I guess it was worth the ride but how can I forget you

God knows I tried thousands of times but for what

Because dreaming of you is all I can do now that you’re gone

Thinking of you makes me feel blue wondering where did I go wrong

But remember I will always love you Juan

IN DREAMS

 

In my dreams you come to me

To show me never ending love 

But when I awake you are nowhere to be found

In my bed of pain 

I sit here all alone thinking what did I do

What did I do to make you leave in the rain?

 

In my dreams your eyelashes turn to petals

Like a beautiful blooming flower

But when I awake you are nowhere to be found

Except in the pictures on the wall and your scent in my pillows

Making me wish you were here to hold on to

 

In my dreams your kisses bring me back to life again

But when I wake up I scream out your name

Please, please don’t leave me this way 

But you are nowhere to be found 

So every night I pray 

I pray that you will come to me in my dreams and sweep me away into the happy ever after life that we once had

Till then I will wipe away my tears and keep dreaming of you…

ROPE

 

I have no choice but to let you go

After all these years on this ride

And seeing what you’ve have become

We have come undone 

There was some love coming from somewhere

But in the end there was nothing  

 

So if we choose to let go of all are differences

Can we get all are emotions back in order

Or will we go over the border of being through with this thing called love

 

I’ve been hoping that in time

You would change but you just stayed the same

So it seems to me there’s no more hope for us

And there is only lust in the dust

So I will arrange to let go of this rope

Tied around my heart so we can finally be apart

And you can finally run free into the wild

SAY GOODBYE

I think

I think I’ll start out by saying

I’m going to miss you again

I wish I had

I had to see you again

But I can’t

I won’t be able to say goodbye

Sorry I

I didn’t make the effort

To find out where you were

But I know

I know who you are

You were a great friend to have

You came to help me in my time of need

But I wish

I wish I could have saved you

When you started to bleed

Maybe I

Maybe I could be able to meet you again

But I can’t

Because I won’t be able to say

Say goodbye  

 

Dedicated to Greg Gostanian aka Queerdonna

PRETEND

I have been frowning

Ever since you passed away and now I have no one to pretend

Like we were stars

Just the memories you left behind

That is slowly fading from my mind

Making me realize how important time can be

Now that you’re not here with me

So somewhere

There must be a place for us

To put on a show again

But when the curtains go up

I must take the stage alone and just pretend

You are holding my hand

So I don’t get butterflies

And when the spotlight comes down on me

I just know that it is you

It’s you shining down on me

From the heaven above

To let me know

That it is okay

To take a bow without you

CRAZY 

I’m crazy for holding on to you

I’m a fool for thinking you would stay

I’m insane for chasing after you

I guess sometimes I’m just crazy for loving you

 

My emotions may have gotten out of hand last night

But I had so much to say that it might have caused me to fight with you

For not wanting me the way I want you

But you did it again

You made me believe that you still loved me

 

I’m crazy for holding onto you

I’m a fool for thinking you would stay

I’m insane for chasing after you

I guess I’m just crazy for wanting you

 

I’ll turn my back on you

Just like you have done to me a thousand times

But I know when I walk out the door

You will always be in my heart

Even though you were the one who drove us apart

Making my love for you die

 

So I’m crazy for holding onto you

I’m a fool for thinking you would stay

I’m going mad chasing after you

I guess

I guess  I’m so stupid for loving you 

HAPPY

I feel so down

I can’t take this pain anymore

Even when I’m with my friends

I still feel you near and it brings on the tears

Like a rainstorm that will never end but I must keep moving on

Or I will surely drown in my pool of sorrow

So I pretend I’m a happy person and I don’t know what pain is

I don’t know what sadness is

So I pretend I don’t know what love is

 

Still there are times

I’m not for sure if I’m going to be strong enough

To keep moving on with life without you

But I’m certain i'll find a place that I can run too

And that there will be no traces of my broken heart

So I pretend

I’m a happy person

I don’t know what sadness is

So I pretend

I don’t know what love is

So I just pretend that I’m not breaking down

That I’m a happy person

THE BURN

 

Scene One:

 

It’s late at night half past 12

I’m rushing to your house with a can of gasoline

I didn’t know that I could become so mean

But you drove me to this madness

I hope you’re there with that whore because tonight you’re going to find out what it feels like to have your heart torched When I set you two on fire

So burn baby burn

 

Scene Two:

 

It’s a hot sunny afternoon and I’m standing over your grave with a bottle of vodka

Trying not to laugh because it’s so silly now that you left me

Because you didn’t win the fight but you were never fair so why the hell should I care If you rot in hell

You were the one who drove me to this madness 

So burn baby burn

 

THE END

THE WALK OUT

 

Momma raised me to be an honest committed boy

She told me the tall tales that men tell

But she never mentioned that there would be snakes like you

I’m sick and tired of repeating myself like a scratched up 45 record

You have not listened to me and you did not care for our future

So you better start paying attention baby

Do you want to change and become my prince that only a sister would envy or

Do I have to make the move and walk out on you?

You make me so confused that I don’t know what to do with you boy

You make me so mad that makes me so sad that I’ll have to walk out on you and forget that we ever met 

Oh baby

You believed in the words that made you so sweet and that any fool would want to eat

I sure did

I ate every last crumbs of your lies and now I feel like something has died inside of me

I’m fed up and ready to release you to the dogs because that’s all you ever were to me a dog

I’ve had enough so I’m out the door I’m walking, I’m walking out the door with my heart

That will be placed on the shelf until a king comes along and sweep me of my feet so till then I’m out because I can

I’m fucking out of here!  

SAVAGES (Walk Tall)

 

123 numbers are all they are to you

345 never thought I become one to

I walk tall never afraid to fall

I’ve had my ups & downs before like any other human

But I never thought I become the one

To fall thru the cracks & into the hands of greedy savages

They keep kicking while you’re down so you can never rebound  

And I’ve heard their stories but never thought they were true

I’ve heard the stories but never worried

Because I’m to sane to end up as someone’s mask of deceptions

But stand up once for your rights  

And they’ll wait like piranhas in the night to tear you apart

Push medications on you till you don’t know who you are or were you are  

And they run the show

Just like a concentration camp but they use a different disguise

To torture & to humiliate the homeless, the poor & the weak

But I walk tall

While you keep rotating a slew of money rolling in

That keeps your filthy mad function going 

You can keep using every saint to your name

But you aren’t any different from those who hanged the innocent from the money tree

For being different    

But I keep walking tall

My feet held tight on to the ground while

the cowards gang banged me into a state of self destruction

But in my head I knew I never did anything wrong

But only in your red demon eyes I did

When I stood up & fought for respect

You laughed & thought I was another disturb but not the least

So fuck with my mind till I’m unconscious

Shove me in padded room against my will

And make sure to tell the doctor to run up my bill

Till I’m not the same & I can’t remember my name

But you mother fuckers aren’t nothing

Because I’m still walking

I’m still walking tall

You’re just losers at your own game

And one day you’ll be on the other side becoming just a number

123 you’ll be at the mercy of my kind

456 again your organization is nothing but a crime

To get the poor off your golden streets

While you rake in all the donations’ in like a bunch of savages

You greedy bastards  

Can’t even make your own kill

Without preying on the mentally ill and

It’s just sad

You can hide behind a disguise and get away with it

But not today but maybe the next

You’ll fuck with the wrong person that’ll blow you away

And they’ll be the only ones walking away

Walking away

Walking tall & proud down your golden streets…

Happy!  

Summer Rain

They are coming

They have arrived

They are here to fix you

There has been nothing but chaos

Ever since you slipped & fell off the brick wall

Your brain has been cracked open and now there is a leak

And also a malfunction in the emotions department

It is best that we be forgotten

So no one knows that some screws are loose, pipes are rusty & irreplaceable

So it’s best to forget and to be forgotten

So no one knows how we hurt & what pain we feel

Lay down the spirit

So life can smell the sweet rotten decay of youth

That once lived inside

The machine that they created

No more pulse to feel the pain

No more thumping of the heart

To feel the love from the human race

Time is ticking slowly

Info disappearing

Going numb

Parts of happiness have all been dismantled

While I lie here broken down

With just one memory left… meeting you somewhere out in the summer rain.

CHANGE?

 

You always say we need to change

And that life will be perfect

But all we do is just sit around & think

Would it be worth it?

People say the world should change

And everyone will live in peace & harmony

But all we do is spend loads of money & live in the fast lane

Till were broke & hustling again

So would you like to

Would you like to change with me today

& get away from your old ways?

Would you take a chance and try to make a better day

For you and me

Would you

Should you

Could you

You say you’ve been down a rocky road

But it doesn’t mean you got to give up hope

And let go of life’s rope

Because

You can change

You can get up and help a stranger in need

When you save your pity 4 another day

You’ll realize you’ve been there too

So would you like to

Change

Change with me today

And make a better life for you & me

Could we run off & finally live happily ever after

When the cold war is done

Would we learn how to love thy neighbor unconsciously?

And stop living so selfishly

So should we change for the best?

4 U & me

And maybe

Just maybe

4 the rest of the world 

Should you

Would you

Could you

Try to change?

FOR YOU

When life has been hard and you have fallen

Feeling like help is nowhere to be found

And almost every second your feeling like you have no will to live

But if you look my way you’ll see you have so much to give

When you need a shoulder to cry on I’m going to be there

And when no one isn’t listening

I’ll be the one who will help you up and guide you to a better life

On days, you have worked so hard and you feel like you have nothing to show for

Remember material thing won’t keep you sober

Don’t let your taste rule your thoughts

When you know there’s a dealer on every corner wanting to sell you a bag of dope for your soul  

I will be there to see you through I’m just a phone call away

And I will ride this wave with you till your craving ends

I’m here for you when the darkness falls and the nightmares begin 

So when you’re feeling trapped and feeling like you can’t get out

Just give me a shout out and I will be there

So when you’re feeling doubt remember I will always help you out because that’s what friends are for

I will stick it out with you until the battle is over, the battle is over 

THIS DAY

 

Hello Mr. Sunshine

How are you today?

As I wake to the sound of a roar above my home

I think nothing of it

So I lay my head back down to sleep

Without realizing that only in a few seconds

That thousands would be dead & a new war had begun

The phone begins to ring off the hook

I answer whom?

It’s me Angel

What’s the matter I say?

Turn on the TV right now

Thru my eyes with disbelief

I see that one of the twin towers has been hit by a plane

The voice on the line screams out to me

Get out, get out while you can

There are more hijacked planes in the sky and nowhere to be found

I hung up the phone and put on my clothes

But before I grab my keys

I keep asking myself

Is this really happening?

Should I take this serious and should I grab my pussycat and run out screaming?

As I push the off button on the TV

I see the second tower get hit

So I grab my keys but not my pussy

I open my door and walk thru the lobby and keep saying to myself

I should not feel threatened because this is not an attack on my people

As I walk the streets

I can see smoke in the air and ashes falling to the ground

People are crying and running away from downtown

Traffic is backed up, sirens blaring and phone lines are down

But there’s nothing I can do

There was nothing I did for this day to happen

So I ran as fast as I could back up to my home

Grabbed my pussy cat

And sit down to watch the blame game on the telly

 

Hours & minutes go by

As the night falls over the silent city

I look out my window and say

Hello Mr. Moon

How are you tonight?

THE CITY

I walked along these streets before

But it keeps on getting kind of scary

I don’t even know where I’m going too

Everything is changing   

Where is everybody going

All the buildings are disappearing

Nothing is the same & nothing will remain

 

Can’t stop the city from the filthy rich

Can’t stop the rebuilding

Can’t stop the money from forcing out the old

And in with the new

 

I’m on the subway train and it seems like

I’m riding first class

The butlers’ & maids head for the sky scrapers in the sky

The rich that were afraid ride the 6 decades ago

Ride like there going to the Hampton’s for the weekend with Gucci bags, Chanel scarfs Versace eyewear   

 

So out with the old & in with the new

Someday we won’t be able to visit the city

We won’t be able to afford to take the train into the city

We won’t be able see what has happened to the old city

Without them building over the last memory of what we had of the city

Bye bye New York City bye bye

RUN WITH THE WOLVES

 

My little Shepard

You wanted to run with the wolves

Even though you have been warned

About the beast that lies within

They will bite and tear you from limb to limb

Leaving you to die in the burning sun

 

My poor little Shepard

You have been warned of the danger so many times

Now you hang from a wooden fence

Laid out so the whole world can learn

From your mistake

Or will they be just like you

Dying to run with the wolves

 

You have strayed from the pack before

Lucky you

The other sheep’s got a hold of you in time

And choose not to tell anyone

How careless you have become to satisfy your lust

 

Oh my poor little ivory sheep

You wanted to run with the wolves

Even though you have been warned

About the beast that lies within

They will tear you apart & eat your heart

Leaving you to rot in the red-hot desert sun

So no one can see

What happens to little Shepard’s like you

When they try to run with the wolves

REPRESENT

 

You do not represent me

You are the publics TV whores

Only for their entertainment

And now the straights want to act like their gay

Just because it’s in vogue

Oh look at me

I’m a dancing queen

They are as vague as you can be

Living in la la land

We all don’t live in Chelsea

We all don’t wear Versace

We all don’t blare like sirens

Running around like a bunch of fairies

Like were in Sex in the City

 

That’s why the rappers rap about

Beating the crap out of fags

I’ll tell you one thing

Boys that think they’re men

Come around my hood

Rapping homophobic remarks

Will get my cock so far up their ass

They’ll taste shit for days

I’ll show you I’m not like those fags on TV

Living in a fantasy world

We all don’t live in high rises

We all don’t go to the gym

We all don’t run after guys like were

Soo desperate for sex

Were all not fake TV whores

Living in la la land

And they do not represent me!